Haunting Dreams

Ok, so the past few nights I've had some dreams that seem just plain crazy. Sunday night I had a dream about my friend Jason Wolgamott & his new wife! I think it still blows my mind that he's married! I haven't talked to him since before the wedding. I hope he got the gift card I sent him and whatnot. It's crazy I feel like it's been forever since I talked to him. I miss him like crazy! Also, the fact that I couldn't go to his wedding just bums me out to the core. He's always been one of my greatest friends! Maybe I should just send him an e-mail and see how he's doing!
The dream I had last night was even crazier... I dreamt about Jonathan. He called me on my cell & asked for Stina's cell #... I was all confused, but of course I'd get it for him. I was just so delighted to hear his voice... it was like every time he called me right before his mission. I didn't think I'd miss him this much. It hurts in so many ways cause I gotta get on with my own life! I guess what's killing me is the fact of everything that's been going on just in the past week! I've been spending so much time with my other best guy friend (Brian). It's not that I don't mind... it's just deep down inside my heart I wish it was someone else... like Kevin. I really miss Kevin... loads, but I know things will be ok cause he'll be home in a month & 8 days! What a great guy he is... I really appreciate everything he's done for me. It's truly amazing! Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm saying... I think I should just de-guy my life... haha... that's impossible... I'm really looking forward to seeing my family soon. And after that like a week later Kev will be home & I'm absolutely ecstatic on seeing him! :D I guess that's all for now!

Life is crazy in a bottle!

So, you think that things are going perfect for you, but the whole world seems to get involved in your life at that moment. It's like the one second things start working the way I want them to everyone likes to interfere... those that I don't want to. I need to learn how to keep my life private, but it's like... you've gotta figure these things out. You spend a night with your best friend, and the next second it's like nothing ever happened. I really think of him as a really great guy... but see what I want most right now is Kevin. I like this guy, Kevin, like crazy mad... I've built up this infatuation with him for two years. What started off as just a crush has grown to so much more. It's like a fantasy story... it's all through a few phone calls before his mission & then letters all throughout his whole mission! It is truly amazing! He gets back in 1 month & 9 days. It is so close to him coming home it's crazy I really & truly can't wait to just see his face. At the same time though it's like I'm battling myself cause I'm afraid of the result of all that could happen... It's not that I don't want something amazing to happen... it's just that I'm afraid that it won't happen. Life is truly amazing... it's never really exactly how you want it to be, but I guess that is what makes it worth wild. I have to make decisions for myself & stick with those decisions... it's hard having a guy as a best friend. It's not that I don't appreciate him being there for me & whatnot... it's just that I really want my life with Kevin to be as a dream come true. Kevin is a really amazing guy... and I've known him longer, and ACKERS to the core! It's ok that things don't always work the way I want them to, but the drama is not needed... so, I guess what I need to do is put my foot down... it doesn't matter if I have the slightest bit of feelings for my best friend... what matters is that I am falling head over heels for a guy I've been writing for the past two years! It's truly amazing! YEAH... in the words of Forrest Gump - "That's all I have to say about that."

As mellow as can be!

Who knew that you could sit with someone for two hours feeling nothing but comforted. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had! Here is what happened...
so, yesterday pretty much SUCKED! I woke up feeling like hell... I had cramps so bad I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry! I called my mom to ask her what to do because I've been sick & I didn't know if I should take Pamprin or Tylenol Sinus. She told me what I should do & then we talked for about and hour and a half. I then slept for about another hour or so, and then texted Kim. She came over & we went and got me a grilled cheese sandwich to eat! The only thing besides chocolate that I had to eat all day! LOL! Kim and I went shopping... but while we were in Wal-Mart I started to feel a bit queezy & I wanted to go home! She took me home & I went and took a shower, and then watched O.C. for about three hours! LOL! Word of advice... don't watch too much O.C. when you are already depressed... it doesn't help matters AT ALL! I ended up calling Jessica around 8 and asked her to come over so she did... When she got there I just cried! We had girl talk kinda sorta... then about 9:40ish Brian called me back... I asked him if I could talk to him... he replied, "sure, let me get a bite to eat & I'll be right over." I got on a sweater and some socks and shoes & got ready to go out to meet him. We brought Jessica back to her place and then he asked me "so, where do you want to go?" I replied, "somewhere." He said, "hmm.. ok, I know somewhere" We went up near the temple... turned left instead of right or straight, and then parked on the side of the road near a curve. I was just really sad and wanted to cry... he then asked me what was wrong... (side note: I wore my glasses all day which I never do any more. So, Brian knew something was very wrong.) He then said, "I'm in the mood for cuddling... how about you?" I said, "sure." we ended up hopping in the back seat cause you kinda can't cuddle in the front seat with something in the middle. LOL! I talked to him and cried, and he just held me. I loved every minute of it because it was just like being held by a best friend. No attraction what so ever!

Lunar Eclipse

So, tonight I watched the Lunar Eclipse with me best friend Brian! It was amazing! I loved it! I had so much fun with him, and it wasn't like this attraction either. It's amazing! I don't have to feel attracted to him to have an amazing time. We just sat there together and watched it & had loads of fun just talking. Then, we came back to my place and watched two videos of my nephews and then looked at pics of his nieces and nephews and basically whole family! It was one of the funnest times I've had with him in a long time! I thought it was totally cool. I can sit there and talk to him about Kevin too and feel totally fine! I LOVE IT! Oh, also today I got a letter from Jonathan... the first paragraph was in French so that's cooler. Anyway, I'm exhausted & my head feels like it's about to explode! CIAO CIAO

Finding closure to the past...

So, this past weekend was amazing... at first I thought it was gunna be a total dud, but it was so much better than I could have imagined! K, so it all began when I got an e-mail from Brian on Thursday night, however, I did not read it until Friday early in the morning cause I was headed to the temple! :D Which was amazing... anyways, the e-mail asked if he could come do his laundry here... I of course said sure... going on... Saturday came & he came over to do his laundry & he studied for a test over here as well. He then went to go take his test. While he was gone dad called & so me, him, and mom all talked and got my reservations to fly home in March! I'm way excited. I'll be gone from the 12th to the 28th... :D Anyway... after Brian got done with his test he came back changed out his laundry & then came up to me to ask a favor... so... I ended up finishing his laundry for him while he went snow boarding. At first I thought... this sucks... what a lame thing-- he gets to have fun while I finish stretching his pants, but he made it up to me later. K, so when he got back from snowboarding he and I ended up talking for quite a while... it was fun... I got to thinking that night "uh oh... what if I start to like him again..." well, the next day I went to church. When I got home I was kinda exhausted, and saddened cause I wanted to chat with Brian... I texted him and asked him what he was up to soon... it go to where I asked him to come over... so, he did. We watched Aviator & then talked for about 2 hours... As I was sitting there talking to him about Kevin I realized that I don't like Brian any more... not in that way! I was soo happy and soo relieved! I figured out that I really truly do like Kevin. Monday was President's Day so, all my friends didn't have class... me, Jordon, Sunshine, Angie, and Brian all went to IF to see JUMPER... it was awesome... on the way down Brian was poking me like crazy, and I was like WTF? LOL! On the way back I was way tired and exhausted so I layed my head on Brian's shoulder... he then put his head on top of mine and said "I'm putting my head on top of yours, but it doesn't mean anything." to which I replied, "I don't care, I don't like you, I like Kevin." He responded, "Good." I was soo happy... we were able to spend a whole weekend together and not even get mad at each other once! I love it! Yeah, so anyways... I'm happy & tired! LOL!

Dedication tomorrow!

OH MY GOSH! I'm so excited... the dedication of the Rexburg temple is tomorrow! How cool! Hmm... this past week has been crazy! Mardi Gras was over course on Tuesday, and that was absolutely brilliant! I had a fun party and everything! I never realize how many friends I have until those very moments! Anyways, the next day Jonathan was going into the MTC... OH MY GOSH! I couldn't believe it that at that moment I would never speak to my best friend again! Truly, it hurt! Then he called me... he needed my address! I got to talk to him one last time. Maybe forever! It was the best ever! I am soo happy that I got to talk to him one last time! It was amazing! I think that may be the last time I talk to him forever... well, I'll write him for the next two years I guess that counts for something! It's amazing to think that it's been so long since I dated him, but yet my heart still truly has a spot for him.  I hope that things in the end will turn out ok...

And the drainage begins

So, as I begin my Mardi Gras party preparation I begin to become emotionally and physically drained! I have barely started to do anything, but I think it's the fact that I start building myself up for it! By the end of tomorrow I'm going to be flat on my back in the middle of the floor... ugh... I guess that's my life though! I've always been in a way a people person, but even now it's becoming that I'm not! I like some people and I enjoy spending time with my friends, but all in all I would love to just be alone with one person! My life is absolutely insane, and I dream that one day it can be calm! All in all I'm tired of the same old stuff... I like how I'm constantly changing and wanting to be alone. Hmm... I'm not sure of what else to say at this moment! I absolutely miss Jonathan! That's a weird feeling to have, but I guess it's something that I have to live with! I still miss KEV! 2 months and I'll see him! YAY!