My Faith in God makes me who I am

I see many posts with people talking about why they left a church or why they have changed their beliefs, but not a ton on why someone stays. I've often asked myself "do I still believe? Or what makes me stay in this religion?" My reasoning becomes more true to me every single day. I have had many days throughout my life where I just did not feel well. I wondered through each of those times if God was really there. My answer every time has been yes. A loud resounding yes. 

Five years ago this thought crossed my mind as I was laying in a hospital bed trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and why when I was about to get married was I so sick? But then the most amazing thing happened to me. That hospital room became my safe haven. I will never forget the spirit I felt there. The spirit of things will be okay. That I would live to see another day. That even though life from that point forward wouldn't be easy it would definitely be worth it. I remember a week later going to the temple with Jordan and making our covenants together that our love would be eternal. It was much the same feeling and the same spirit from the hospital. 

Fast forward to March 2021. I suddenly discovered that the battery of my sub-q icd had depleted very quickly and I would need surgery to get it replaced. While in surgery I aspersated and had to be intubated. Waking up to that was definitely not fun, but afterwards I was extubated and Jordan was able to give me a blessing and in it one of the most remarkable things happened. God spoke to me. He told me how scared he had been when I aspersated and that it was not my time to leave this earth. He told me how grateful He was for doctors and nurses who acted fast to keep me alive, and in that moment again I leaned just how much My Heavenly Father cares for me. That I have chosen a path and will continue to choose a path leading to Him.

Now, with that being said I need to say this. I will never judge you for your decisions. I will never tell you how to live your life. None of this is my job, and I hope you will never tell me that I am wrong for my beliefs. Because this is something that is a core belief for me. It is my truth. 

Living with heart disease could have led me onto two different paths. The one I chose has helped me through some really dark days and nights. I chose this path because it leads me to a light that fills me with remarkable joy. This is my journey and I am forever grateful for it. 

Five years ago today I left the hospital with a new diagnosis and have lived every day the way that I believe it's good for me.

His Atonement Has Helped Me Through

 So, I've been trying to figure out what to write for the past week. It has truly been a crazy time as of late. On March 18th I received a call from my electrophysiologists office that the battery on my Sub-Q ICD was depleted to about 15%, and that I would need a procedure a week from that day. So, I ended up getting a Covid Test (which was negative), and last Thursday ( March 25th) I went in for a procedure to change the battery. This battery change would mean a surgery on my left side since they would have to grab the device and change out the battery. None of this was expected since I was supposed to have my battery last for seven years, but these kinds of things happen. 

Well, a few days before surgery I had a strong impression to contact a few people to let them know, and to ask for prayers. None of which I knew why I was having those impressions. As I was being prepped for surgery and familiar face came and said hello from my childhood. I knew she worked with the doctor that was doing the procedure and I was just so happy to see her prior, and I knew no matter what God would take care of me no matter how nervous I was. They then took me to the procedure room, and began to prep me. While being put under anesthesia I apparently asperated (which is a cough, but can bring up bile or substance from the stomach), and in an effort to not get any fluid in my lungs I was immediately intubated. The anesthesiologists and all of the doctors thought on their toes very quickly. They were able to get the procedure done, but I was not conscious for a bit of time. I woke up the tube in my throat and I was gagging and very very scared as I was strapped to the bed (which I'm sure they did cause you're first instinct is to rip that tube out). But I heard a voice that helped me slowly get through the tears. That voice was my wonderful husband, Jordan. Despite that I was gagging and couldn't talk he was there and holding my hand. Soon they were able to get me to calm down and had me give a slight cough and they were able to pull the tube out which is called being extubated. 

To me all of this is truly a miracle because they were telling Jordan I could be out anywhere from six hours to a few days. He was scared, but he never showed me that fear. Because of the aspiration I had to be watched overnight in the Cardiovascular ICU. They wanted to really make sure I had no fluid in my lungs. I was able to see the anesthesiologist and the Electrophysiologist that worked on me that day and they were both very relieved that I wasn't still intubated. But I was not under the care of cardiology (doctors I've seen loads of times), but keep in mind I am cared for at University of Utah health which is a teaching hospital so, at one point I had several residents in my room. For a second it felt like I was on Scrubs. However, I am so grateful for all that my doctors do for me, and that they can teach to help future doctors as well. 

While in the ICU I asked Jordan to give me a blessing because I REALLY wanted to go home the next day. In the blessing he gave to me I was informed that everything that happened made my Heavenly Father scared as well, but he wanted me to know that he was proud of the doctors and nurses and medical professionals that took care of me. I know that the atonement is not just for our sins. He did it for everything that we go through. I know because several times I've been through these medical hardships. It took 29 years to find a diagnosis, but these last 5 years since the diagnosis have saved my life time and time again. And I know that my Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for me. My work here is not done, and will not be done for awhile, and He is by my side every step of the way. I often call medical professionals angels, and I truly mean it. Their work isn't easy, but I know they have God on their side no matter their beliefs. I also know that prayers work miracles. They did for me, and will continue to for all that I know. I am still here because of my Savior and the fact that he suffered all of this for me so I don't have to feel this kind of pain alone. I'm grateful for that. I pray on this Good Friday, one week after getting out of the hospital, that you may all find peace and joy in all you do.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do. Gethsemane has brought me much peace over the last few years. 

Melancholy

     I've been thinking for awhile now of how to write out in words exactly how I'm feeling with everything that has been happening around me in the world, and with ones that I feel close to. It's crazy how one circumstance can shake you to the very core even when all year you have in a sense been scared for your own health. I think the best way to describe all that I'm feeling is a sense of Melancholy. It's a type of sadness where I don't exactly feel empty inside and I know I'll get through it, but I worry about others around me, and how they are feeling. Now, some of you may be wondering what the heck is she talking about? Well, for the few of you that actually read this blog I'll tell you. 

    On November 1st we witnessed what was probably something that could rock you to the core. Our neighbor who we were just getting to know passed away, and as we watched the events unfold, and found out from his wife it rocked us pretty hard. It isn't fun to lose someone so more than anything we decided that we would be there for her if she needed us, and so we have been. If she wants brownies GOSH DARN IT I'M MAKING BROWNIES to take over to her. I want her to know how much we care about her, and how much we cared about her husband. It's truly hard to watch someone you care about hurt like that, and knowing that you just barely were getting the chance to know someone. 

    Well, as things go life moves on right?! Well, On November 8th Jordan and I were doing our Sunday church as we have done during this whole pandemic, and yet again something happened to rock us. We have some friends that have been living with us over the past couple of years. These friends have three cats and a lizard. While the cats stay mostly in their room the lizard was out in the open in his cage where others could see him, and where we could see him as we came out of our room. By the way, this isn't your ordinary lizard. Reptar (his name) is a Savannah Monitor. So, he can get pretty big. Well, on that Sunday we heard a noise which prompts us to immediately go check on Reptar, and we found him bloated and not moving. Well, we and our friends mourned over the loss of this poor reptile whom we all cared about. And then I asked our friend if he would like to bury him in the garden, and so we did. I'm so tired of loss it aches me. 

    That very afternoon we were able to have my family over to celebrate my mother's upcoming birthday. It was a nice little gathering of the family here in Utah, and it was nice just to be with each other without worrying too much on the craziness that is happening in the world right now. It was nice to just be a family.

    And lastly this past week. For the first time in over two months I finally had the chance to work again for a couple of hours twice. And will work a few days next week. And through all the hardships and everything I am grateful that I still have a job. I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful I can serve those around me, and even though it's hard being stuck inside all the time. I'm grateful I have a home to be stuck inside. 

    I pray for each of you this holiday season. I pray everyone will be okay. And I leave you with a song by the Gorillaz and a message of hope and peace from a Prophet of God Russel M. Nelson. May these things bring you peace as we approach the holiday season. #givethanks 

On Melancholy Hill-Gorillaz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04mfKJWDSzI

Message from President Nelson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlcILxGmVrI

The COVID contiues

As I begin let me state that Jordan and myself have been very blessed to not contract this dumb virus. However, let me also say how sick of it I truly am. 

Things began to shut down back in March... as I waited to hear what would happen with work every day I would go in hoping and praying that the virus would not be there at work. Well, on March 18th I woke up at 3:30 am with severe back pains. And then at 7:30 that morning we had an earthquake. So, at 8 I called the doctor, and they told me to go to the ER. Well, come to find out luckily it was just due to stress, and nothing was wrong with me. AWESOME! However, that is the day I began to work from home. 

I have been working home for five months now. It is so crazy how time continues to go by, and some days are definitely better than others. I wish I could go to the store and be normal, but with so many people inside stores and COVID spreading like crazy (even though some people thought the warmer weather would make it go away) I find myself continuously at home just trying to do my work and be a good house wife, but not going to the store or many other places. I try to exercise (I need to be better about this), I make dinner almost every night, and I try my hardest to keep up on the household chores (i.e: Laundry and dishes). Overall, I can't complain too much with my own personal life.

Now, the rest of the world makes me want to scream. I know people who have gotten COVID, and I also know people that say they will never wear a mask, and the government can't make them! WTF?! Okay, for real though... WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS ABOUT POLITICS!??? Why is everything always about politics? It's really frustrating that people can't just agree to disagree. 

I guess that's something different though. See, I'm considered to be a high risk individual... No, I'm not over the age of 60, but I am more at risk to get this stupid virus and die from it than my parents are, and they are in their late 60s.  Having heart disease makes me more at risk than the average human being. So, Jordan and I (and everyone around me) has to be more cautious. OR at least everyone that comes around me should be more cautious. Needless to say, I hate this dumb virus and have hated it from day one when it was in China. 

Well, as Covid decides it wants to continue on I am consistently reminded of how God is constantly protecting me, and watching out for me. He knows more than the rest of us, and for that I am forever thankful.

I know a ton of this was rambling, but sometimes I have to say things that I can't on social media. So, there it goes... I'm still for the most part constantly quarantined to my house. I miss going to the store with Jordan just to get groceries. I am thankful we were able to go to a cabin for our anniversary even if if it was only for a little while. 

A Very Quarantined Birthday

So, my birthday was yesterday, and for the most part we are all still quarantined to our houses. Things have let up a little bit so we were able to see some family, but not enough for there to be any big significant changes. That being said I am so grateful to my husband and both of our families in working hard to make my day special. I love my family, and I just wish this quarantine stuff wasn't so strange for us all. Well, enjoy about a billion pics I took over the weekend. We've also been working on our backyard so, there's that too. Oh, and we watched a new friend this weekend. So, there's some puppy pics too.