A Battle With My Most Inner Thoughts

Throughout my life people have always told me that I am genuine, happy, full of life, and faithful. Well, for the most part to the outside world... I am, but deep down inside I have so much pain that I bottle up and don't like to show to others. So, for the next little bit I will be rambling on about my inner most thoughts, and ways I am working to overcome. Maybe I'll even start on when I think this all began.

A little over a month ago I came home from church one day and sat on my bedroom floor in tears. I thought to myself, "why are you crying Frances? Everything is going right for a change. Why are you looking for something to be wrong?" So, from the encouragement of a good friend I sought out my Bishop and then began to see a therapist. This is hard for me to tell people because it makes me extremely vulnerable, and I discovered in my very first session I do not like being vulnerable. Well, before I went to see my bishop I tried to pinpoint the exact time I started becoming depressed... I traced it back to high school, freshman year. That was the year everything changed for me. And I mean, EVERYTHING. I had friends from all over the town, many would consider me as "popular," but reality for myself was much of the time... I was alone. I hear all the time of how kids always "hung out" with their friends after football games. Well, I never remember doing this. I always remember being too tired to care. September of my Freshman year is when terrorist attacked America. December of my freshman year I truly dealt with my first death. A girl my sister was in young women (a church group) with died in a tragic car accident. From that time forth I began to look at things differently. I started to harden my heart so as to never get hurt. Well, things grew from there, but I kept it all inside. I had many friends throughout high school, or so it seems. Truthfully, I often felt alone and didn't know how to communicate to anyone. Even when I would stay at a friend's house I felt lost. It was rough growing up being the only one my age with my standards. I knew that all of my friends would do things I would probably never do in my life. Junior year I for a moment thought I would lose my dad. Turned out he was passing a kidney stone, but it has scared me ever since. Senior year came and well, after dating someone I definitely shouldn't have I dated someone who I thought would help me out. Turns out we brought each other down. However, I wouldn't trade my past for anything. Why? Because I dated this second guy I now have one of my greatest friends I have ever had. See, the Lord has a way of putting different people into our lives in the most peculiar of ways, but that's a story for another time. Back to the point of this blog..

Throughout college I tried to stay strong, but no guy ever truly wanted to date me. So, I began something where I would often ask people what they really thought of me. My favorite response ever was from my best guy friend in college. He said, I wasn't like other girls, but I was better. I will always be grateful to him for that. Even if I am never able to speak to him ever again.

I found throughout college I didn't have to deal with my problems because I could instead get lost in my school work, but soon it started getting harder and harder. I still remember one time going outside of the house I lived in and just crying under a window. My favorite thing happened after when my best friend came and held me so close to him, and then all of my roommates joined him. Maybe that's why I have been so lost lately. People have told me that I loved him, but that's just it... I loved him differently, and not in the way they say. He was like this big protective brother that I could feel completely okay around. If a guy hurt me he was the one I always went to, and now I know I will never speak to him again. It kills me every day inside. That's beside the point though.

Now, fast forward back to the now. Going to therapy has helped me loads, but I still often have to fight the thoughts inside my own head. I think the best thing I have learned is that no matter what I do. No matter how much I cry and am in pain it's okay. My Savior has been there, and He will always be there for me even when I feel like no one knows, no one ever understands, or ever will understand. HE DOES. He has been rejected by his closest friends. He has been beaten. He has been depressed. He has wanted to not go through with his mission in life. One of my favorite scriptures is "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me... Not my will, but thine be done." He went through with it because He knew it was the right thing to do, but in His darkest hour He did not want to do it. So, it teaches me that He truly knows what I feel daily.

So, want to know what quite often goes on inside my head? Well, if you do keep reading... if not, you can stop reading now...

When ever something doesn't go the exact way I want it to, or if I do something and I see it is not pleasing to others my thoughts go haywire... First, I think, "how stupid of you Frances. don't you realize that isn't the way it's supposed to be? Look, now you've upset them. You idiot." Then, it continues with, "Frances, you aren't worth it at all. You've just disappointed everyone around you, and you can't do anything right."

Now, at this point I try to have reality hit me, and start to think something positive. "Frances, The Lord loves you. No matter what HE LOVES YOU." And then, the other voice will fight back and say, "it doesn't matter no one else really cares." So, then I will try and think of all my amazing friends in life. I will start to name them. But I have learned that the devil is very clever, and ALWAYS comes back with  something to hurt me... "They aren't here right now Frances, they don't really care. If they cared they would call you, write you, or even just come find you. None of them truly care." All of this results in me crying for a few minutes.

Well, recently an amazing friend of mine told me a way to help with this. He said, "Breathe." So, today I did just that... I "breathed." Do you know what happens when you focus on your breathing? Well, here is what happens to me...
As I start to breathe my crying slows. my heart rate slows, and even though the tears still come down I tend to let my spirit take full control of my body. Yes, I am still saddened, but I also realize that the devil cannot control me. Over the years I have learned how to "act" so people don't see my true heart inside. When someone truly knows me I don't even have to speak and they know something is wrong. My amazing friend does this sort of thing, and I don't even know if he realizes it, but I thank him for it. I think of it like this... Sometimes, Heavenly Father sends people on this earth to help us see how much he loves us.


So, as I constantly battle with my most inner thoughts I am grateful for the wonderful angels I have every day. My two best guy friends, my family, my friends from college, my friends from childhood, my wun friends, and most definitely my savior!

1 girl, 2 monkeys, 2 Weapons, some Dunkin, The Doctor, a kitten, and crêpes.

Those just reading the title may wonder what in the world this has to do with anything at all, and how in the world they are related. Well, we can for starters talk about the 1 girl and 2 monkeys... I am the 1 girl. The 2 monkeys are two of the greatest most weirdest guys I know. Their names shall not be disclosed mostly because those reading this already know who they are, and if you don't well then you must get to know me better :)! Now, the rest of the title starts while I was at work today and received a random text from one of the monkeys telling me he was on his way home. I wondered why in the world he would be telling me this, and just assumed that maybe I had made prior plans with him and forgotten about them... he soon asked me if I wanted to go shooting. Then asked me if I knew if "butt" wanted to come too. Butt is the other monkey...Well, then we decided we would go shooting and then head to 1st Monkey's house after for  crêpes. So, I came home after work; changed my clothes; went to monkey 1's house, and then we left in my truck to get monkey 2. We then took my truck to the shooting range here in Bountiful and Monkey 1 taught me and Monkey 2 to shoot. Well, let's just say it is very calming to shoot a gun... especially after a long and tiring day. After we shot a few times Monkey 2 wanted to try Dunkin... Now, Monkey 2 isn't a huge fan of donuts, but there is definitely something about Dunkin that changes everyone's minds... AND DUNKIN HAS HEALTHY STUFF ON THEIR MENU... IT'S NOT JUST DONUTS AND COFFEE! :P Yup... I made a Dunkin fan out of Monkey 2 tonight! :) Then, it was time for  crêpes. We went back to Monkey 1's house put on The Doctor, and played with Kitties while Monkey 1 made us some spectacular  crêpes. All resulting in a wonderful night for this little Girl! See, the beauty about being in an adventurous world is being able to have fun while trying many different things. My favorite parts of the night were 1st shooting, then going to Dunkin and seeing my 2 monkeys act so feminine in front of everyone! They crack me up! And playing with the kitten and having  crêpes. Now, it is time for me to get some sleep cause I get to see my PAPA from college in a few hours! :) ONE HAPPY GIRL HERE! :)

Weight LOSS!

So, people have been asking me about my weight loss and how I've done it, and the best way for me to describe it is through pictures. And to say this... I eat healthier and more. For the longest time I would just not eat for long periods of time or eat when I was depressed, but now I know that I need to eat more fruits and vegetables. I love to go running or on walks. I have gone from an almost size 18 to about a size 10...  pretty amazing! And all of it has been from doing all of that and making subtle changes in my diet. I still enjoy an indulging treat every once in a while, and am much happier! :) Enjoy the pictures!

May 2012 @ my brother's wedding... I weighed almost 200 lbs.

Me & Stacey @ DCI last summer... still almost 200lbs.

Me. Fall 2012. This was when I started losing I was probably down about 5-10lbs. Not too noticeable.

Fall 2012. Probably about a month after the previous one. I was down about 10lbs.

Winter 2013. Probably down about 20lbs. by this point.

Winter 2013. Still about 20lbs. down.

About March 2013. Down about 30lbs.

This is me about a month ago. May 2013. I am down about 40lbs. and loving it! I fit into a size 10-12 and I couldn't be happier! :) Still wouldn't mind losing more, but I love myself so much more now! My life is inspired!

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The Power of the Priesthood in My Life

Today during Sunday School I started having thoughts about how the priesthood has personally blessed my life and as a result I came up with the following:

Throughout my life I have had many blessing from and because of the power of the Priesthood. When I was younger my father was a marvelous example on what a true worthy Priesthood holder both acted like and how he held himself. I was often able to ask my father for a blessing of comfort or healing, but his shining example always has and still means more than all those blessings. Now, as I am older and spend much of my time away from family I have noticed that I tend to spend my time with more men than women. Someone once tried to analyze me and tell me the reason I did this is because I didn't trust women, bust as I have reflected on this more and more I realize that I surround myself with men I see as worthy Priesthood holders.

Through most of my adult life I have usually had 2 really good guy friends or people I can turn to. Having gone to school at BYU-Idaho finding these important and influential men was easy. This was all due to the fact that in order to go to that school they, for the most part, must be worthy.

Now, I know of several men besides my brothers and Father that I go to for that wonderful and meaningful feeling, but the two I spend much of my time with right now have taught me the greatest lessons. These two worthy priesthood holders have huge redeeming qualities. They would never admit to it, but I know and quite often see their humility. They consistently boost confidence and discuss the importance of the gospel in their lives. This is usually not done with many words. However, it is done by and through their actions.

As I continue to better myself each day, and eventually find my eternal companion I know he will be all of these wonderful men combined in one.

The Power of the Priesthood is a huge part of my every day life. I love the men I surround myself with and especially those two that diligently honor their priesthood. I also really love my brothers and father for showing me throughout my life the importance of the priesthood.