Throughout my life people have always told me that I am genuine, happy, full of life, and faithful. Well, for the most part to the outside world... I am, but deep down inside I have so much pain that I bottle up and don't like to show to others. So, for the next little bit I will be rambling on about my inner most thoughts, and ways I am working to overcome. Maybe I'll even start on when I think this all began.
A little over a month ago I came home from church one day and sat on my bedroom floor in tears. I thought to myself, "why are you crying Frances? Everything is going right for a change. Why are you looking for something to be wrong?" So, from the encouragement of a good friend I sought out my Bishop and then began to see a therapist. This is hard for me to tell people because it makes me extremely vulnerable, and I discovered in my very first session I do not like being vulnerable. Well, before I went to see my bishop I tried to pinpoint the exact time I started becoming depressed... I traced it back to high school, freshman year. That was the year everything changed for me. And I mean, EVERYTHING. I had friends from all over the town, many would consider me as "popular," but reality for myself was much of the time... I was alone. I hear all the time of how kids always "hung out" with their friends after football games. Well, I never remember doing this. I always remember being too tired to care. September of my Freshman year is when terrorist attacked America. December of my freshman year I truly dealt with my first death. A girl my sister was in young women (a church group) with died in a tragic car accident. From that time forth I began to look at things differently. I started to harden my heart so as to never get hurt. Well, things grew from there, but I kept it all inside. I had many friends throughout high school, or so it seems. Truthfully, I often felt alone and didn't know how to communicate to anyone. Even when I would stay at a friend's house I felt lost. It was rough growing up being the only one my age with my standards. I knew that all of my friends would do things I would probably never do in my life. Junior year I for a moment thought I would lose my dad. Turned out he was passing a kidney stone, but it has scared me ever since. Senior year came and well, after dating someone I definitely shouldn't have I dated someone who I thought would help me out. Turns out we brought each other down. However, I wouldn't trade my past for anything. Why? Because I dated this second guy I now have one of my greatest friends I have ever had. See, the Lord has a way of putting different people into our lives in the most peculiar of ways, but that's a story for another time. Back to the point of this blog..
Throughout college I tried to stay strong, but no guy ever truly wanted to date me. So, I began something where I would often ask people what they really thought of me. My favorite response ever was from my best guy friend in college. He said, I wasn't like other girls, but I was better. I will always be grateful to him for that. Even if I am never able to speak to him ever again.
I found throughout college I didn't have to deal with my problems because I could instead get lost in my school work, but soon it started getting harder and harder. I still remember one time going outside of the house I lived in and just crying under a window. My favorite thing happened after when my best friend came and held me so close to him, and then all of my roommates joined him. Maybe that's why I have been so lost lately. People have told me that I loved him, but that's just it... I loved him differently, and not in the way they say. He was like this big protective brother that I could feel completely okay around. If a guy hurt me he was the one I always went to, and now I know I will never speak to him again. It kills me every day inside. That's beside the point though.
Now, fast forward back to the now. Going to therapy has helped me loads, but I still often have to fight the thoughts inside my own head. I think the best thing I have learned is that no matter what I do. No matter how much I cry and am in pain it's okay. My Savior has been there, and He will always be there for me even when I feel like no one knows, no one ever understands, or ever will understand. HE DOES. He has been rejected by his closest friends. He has been beaten. He has been depressed. He has wanted to not go through with his mission in life. One of my favorite scriptures is "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me... Not my will, but thine be done." He went through with it because He knew it was the right thing to do, but in His darkest hour He did not want to do it. So, it teaches me that He truly knows what I feel daily.
So, want to know what quite often goes on inside my head? Well, if you do keep reading... if not, you can stop reading now...
When ever something doesn't go the exact way I want it to, or if I do something and I see it is not pleasing to others my thoughts go haywire... First, I think, "how stupid of you Frances. don't you realize that isn't the way it's supposed to be? Look, now you've upset them. You idiot." Then, it continues with, "Frances, you aren't worth it at all. You've just disappointed everyone around you, and you can't do anything right."
Now, at this point I try to have reality hit me, and start to think something positive. "Frances, The Lord loves you. No matter what HE LOVES YOU." And then, the other voice will fight back and say, "it doesn't matter no one else really cares." So, then I will try and think of all my amazing friends in life. I will start to name them. But I have learned that the devil is very clever, and ALWAYS comes back with something to hurt me... "They aren't here right now Frances, they don't really care. If they cared they would call you, write you, or even just come find you. None of them truly care." All of this results in me crying for a few minutes.
Well, recently an amazing friend of mine told me a way to help with this. He said, "Breathe." So, today I did just that... I "breathed." Do you know what happens when you focus on your breathing? Well, here is what happens to me...
As I start to breathe my crying slows. my heart rate slows, and even though the tears still come down I tend to let my spirit take full control of my body. Yes, I am still saddened, but I also realize that the devil cannot control me. Over the years I have learned how to "act" so people don't see my true heart inside. When someone truly knows me I don't even have to speak and they know something is wrong. My amazing friend does this sort of thing, and I don't even know if he realizes it, but I thank him for it. I think of it like this... Sometimes, Heavenly Father sends people on this earth to help us see how much he loves us.
So, as I constantly battle with my most inner thoughts I am grateful for the wonderful angels I have every day. My two best guy friends, my family, my friends from college, my friends from childhood, my wun friends, and most definitely my savior!
she's the one standing
