How do you tell someone...?

So, all day I pretty much talked to my cousin about some things. It's hard to be able to tell one of your best friends in the whole wide world that you can't really be their friend any more, but at the same time if it's what you need to do to help yourself then... it's probably for the best. People see that you are hurting, but no one truly knows the pain that creeps inside of you. The truth of everything is that you don't even know why you are in pain. Your heart is hurting, and you really are unsure as to why. I've had a crush on Kevin Elkins for about 2 years now, and now it seems like it's all changing for me... I don't really feel the way I once did. I guess I'm seeing everything in a new light now... I'm not really sure. I do know that in many ways I am falling for someone I shouldn't be and that's Brian. Brian Christensen has become an amazing friend to me, and I have been trying to fight my feelings for him, but it's so hard to do. Today I talked (texted) Edward (my cousin) about it a bit, and I learned several things. I was also talking to Jason Giles (Bonnie's husband), and I just don't know what I am going to do about all of this. I'm not in the mood to really talk to Brian, but at the same time I want to because truly I am going to miss him tons this summer. I feel like Brian sees nothing in me, and that I'll only ever be his friend... to me right now that hurts. I mean he's truly a sweet guy, but I just don't know any more why I have to be the one that suffers and likes him like this. It sucks a ton! I'm not sure where to go, and sometimes even who to turn to, but oh well. I'm not even sure what else to say right now except goodnight & here is a song that has been running through my head nonstop. Enjoy!

This might come as quite a shock,
But I've given it a lot of thought.
This thing that's come between us can't be ignored.
I've taken all I can;
This is where it's gotta end.
'Cause I can't be your friend anymore.

An' I can't be accused,
Of not bein' there for you.
How many nights have you shown up at my door?
I hope you understand,
That this wasn't in my plans,
But I can't be your friend anymore.

An' it's killin' me to know you,
Without havin' a chance to hold you.
An' all I wanna do is show you,
How I really feel inside.
You can run to me,
You can laugh at me,
Or you can walk right out that door.
But I can't be your friend anymore.

So, baby, now it's up to you:
Do I win or do I lose?
Will my heart fly or lie broken on the floor.
Well, take me as I am,
'Cause I wanna be your man.
But I can't be your friend anymore.

An' it's killin' me to know you,
Without havin' a chance to hold you.
An' all I wanna do is show you,
How I really feel inside.
You can run to me,
You can laugh at me,
Or you can walk right out that door.
But I can't be just friends anymore.

We can't be just friends anymore.

A long road ahead

It's going to be a long and bumpy road ahead for my family. Grandpa might not have been the kindest man that ever lived, but he truly was an amazing man. I loved him with everything I had. There is a song that my mom had me listen to that reminded her of him. It's called "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" -Reba
My Grandpa was never the type to express his love for all of us, but we knew he cared. He would go to the church and do Family History, but yet he never wanted anyone to know. It was a wonderful experience for me the day that Grandpa asked me what we believed. I recited to him some of the articles of faith. Those really do come in handy. haha. So, Grandpa truly was a wonderful man. One time he played train on the floor with his great grandson, my nephew. I loved every minute of that. Anyway, I'm going to put a picture of Grandma & Grandpa on here! :D

Grandpa dies...

Yesterday my grandfather passed away. It was a huge turning point in my life. I am saddened by this and may need some time.

Dreams

So, My big brother and I have been having a very in depth discussion about dreams & I've come to a very realistic realization. He told me that I should look up dreams in the bible dictionary & then in the french guide to the scriptures... so, I did. In the bible Dictionary it says... "Dreams: One of the means by which God communicates with men." Well, yes, God does communicate with men in that manner, but yet the question is... are all dreams from God? I would say no... The French guide to the scriptures says, " Une des manières utilisées par Dieu pour révéler sa volonté aux hommes. Néanmoins, tous les rêves ne sont pas des révélations. Les rêves inspirés sont le fruit de la foi." which translates to... : "One of the ways used by God to reveal His will to men. Nevertheless, all the dreams are not revelations. The dreams are inspired by the fruit of faith." Well, if you look up faith in the Bible Dictionary it gives several definitions... one that I like says, "Although faith is a gift, it must be cultured and sought after until it grows from a tiny seed to a great tree. The effects if true faith in Jesus Christ include 1)an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the LORD. 2) a reception of the blessings of the LORD that are available to man in this life; and 3) an assurance of personal salvation in the world to come. These things involve individual and personal testimony, guidance, revelation, and spiritual knowledge. Where there is true faith there are miracles, visions, dreams, healings, and all the gifts of God that He gives to His saints." I guess all in all what this comes down to is that I should have faith if I do happen to receive revelation in a dream, but yet I should also remember that some dreams are well, in the way my brother said it "your mind is playing tricks on you." I know exactly what he means by that because I've had dreams that when I wake up... I think to myself... WHAT IN THE FREAKING WORLD?! It's crazy to think about how your mind really can play tricks on you. Life can truly be amazing and not all at the same time, but what I've learned is that -- that is what makes it all worth it. I am truly thankful for different things in my life, but all in all I wish on certain things too... like I want certain things to happen... I think in many ways that would make me happier, but I guess we as humans always want something more than what we have. Yeah... I guess that's all...

life is crazy & busy as can be!

Oh my gosh! So much is going on and at times I think I may be going insane, but still I'm able to keep my head on straight! So much keeps happening and it's crazy insane... I can't believe that I'm about to go home & then come back here... and see Kevin & then start for school! I register next Monday and I already know what courses I want to take
Early Field 9-11am MWF from Sister Kay
Old Testament 12:45-1:45pm MWF Brother Hayes
Math 306 2-3pm MWF Sister Harris
2nd block American Heritage 3:15-4:20pm daily Brother Henrichsen
Children's Lit 11:30-1 _T_T Sister Hawkes
FA 100
World Civ Online... so basically... I'm going to be taking 18 credits and 7 classes... busy busy me! :D
Life is pretty crazy and fun all at the same time!
I guess that's all for now!